I'll Wait For You
by bite-me-im-irish
Summary: Post Girl in the Fireplace. Rose is hurt and questions her value aboard the TARDIS and to the Doctor. The Doctor is reluctant to open up but Rose won't take no for an answer. Will he end up revealing more than he intended? Bad summary, I know.


**I've been meaning to upload one of these for a while, and by that I mean since this awful episode was broadcast. I'm having a bit of trouble writing my Series 3 with Rose ('Caught Fire') so I wrote this to help keep the creative juices flowing.**

**Enjoy :)**

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><p>Having shown Mickey to his bed for the night, Rose made her way to the console room to check on the Doctor. She wasn't sure what to expect when she arrived. Images of the Doctor sitting with tears on his cheeks swirled around her head and she wasn't quite sure how to feel about them. Half of her wanted to cry and scream and hit him until he realised just what his actions had done to her, and half of her wanted to gather him up in a hug and tell him that it was okay, that she understood why he had gone, that they'd get through this.<p>

She didn't, however, expect to see him working under the grating, humming to himself as he did whatever jiggery-pokery that needed doing. She was about to turn around and go back to her room, pondering how she ever lost her ability to read his moods, when she heard him sniff. Now, normally, when a human sniffs it doesn't mean anything, but the Doctor is a Time Lord, and Time Lords _don't_ get runny noses.

He _had_ been crying, probably knew she'd come looking for him and decided that this would be a way to fool her into leaving him alone. In theory, she probably should have left him alone. This time the next day he would have been back to his old self, dancing around under his false bravado of 'I'm always alright'. But, Rose knew that if she didn't say this to him now, she never would.

So, instead of taking the safe and familiar option of sweeping it under the rug, Rose strolled over to the captain's chair and plonked herself down, staring at his back as she waited for him to give up his act.

He kept humming for a few moments, and then switched to whistling. She could tell he was trying hard to get her to leave. It was only after he had finished his third rendition of the 'Harry Potter' theme tune that he finally gave up on trying to fool her.

Rose watched as he stretched out his back, looking for all the world that he wanted nothing more than to go to bed. When he finally turned around to face her, Rose could barely contain a gasp at the hollow look she saw in his eyes. Her heart broke a little more for him, and just that little bit more for her, as she took in the defeated expression on his face, like everything he had ever wanted had been taken from him.

She didn't need him to tell her that Reinette was dead; she could tell by the way he held himself, by the deep look of sorrow that his eyes displayed. Rose also saw the exact moment that he realised how vulnerable he looked. He blinked and the expression of sorrow and pain in his eyes was replaced by that childish excitement he so often hid behind. At least, he thought it was.

"Hello, Rose!" he said, his grin was wide but his voice was flat, "Why didn't you say you were there? Just sat listening to my terrible singing! Shouldn't you be in bed? Long day and all that! Or, did you want something...?"

"Don't talk to me like that," Rose said, she was in no mood to be treated like the little human girl that knew nothing of his suffering.

"Like what, Rose?"

"Like I amn't as upset about today as you are," she snapped. His eyes narrowed.

"What could you possibly have to be upset about?"

"Oh, I dunno, how about the fact that you left me for dead, _twice._"

"I didn't leave you for dead," he said, his voice quivered in anger and he spoke through gritted teeth. _Good_, Rose thought, _at least if he's angry he might actually __**say**__ something when he talked._

"Didn't you?"

"No!"

"Right, and how exactly were me and Mickey supposed to get off that ship?"

"Fly the TARDIS," he said immediately, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Rose's mouth dropped open, was he serious?

"Fly the- _fly the TARDIS._ Oh, of course. How thick am I?" She threw her hands up in the air and smacked her forehead, "Of course I could have just _flown the TARDIS!_ I mean, never mind the fact that you never taught me how or that it's been blocked from my mind, no, I could have just flicked a switch and gone home!" She looked back at him and dropped her hands. She looked him square in the eye, letting him see the tears that had welled up there, "_Fly the TARDIS_, he says! Because it's that easy, isn't it, Doctor?"

"I-" he began, but Rose interrupted him, she wasn't about to let him come up with an excuse before she had said her bit.

"And what about the clock-men, Doctor? If you hadn't have come back from your _party_ what would have become of me and Mickey? I mean, they were _only_ planning to use our bodies for spare parts. We could have _easily_ escaped the fact that they had strapped us down and were about to saw us in half. Nah, don't worry. You didn't leave us for dead, not at all."

"I _had _to save her, Rose," He stepped in front of her, his hands coming to rest on her shoulders, forcing her to meet his gaze, "Why can't you understand that?"

"Oh, I understand perfectly, Doctor," Rose replied, "Just like I did with Jabe and Lynda-with-a-Y and Sarah Jane." The Doctor flinched and dropped her shoulders, instead leaning against the console so he could survey her.

"Are you jealous, Rose? Jealous that I risked my life for someone else other than you for once?"

"No, I'm really not," she said, surprising herself with the truth in the statement because, she wasn't jealous. Hurt, shaken, angry? Yes. Jealous? Not so much. Well, maybe a little bit, but she wasn't going to let him know that.

"Then _what, _Rose?" He nearly shouted, she could tell he was getting tired of this but she couldn't help it. He had to know how much he'd hurt her, intentionally or not.

"You promised me, Doctor," she said, jumping to her feet, "Less than 48 hours ago, that you'd never leave me and you've done just that, _twice._" The Doctor's eyes widened in realisation, but Rose wasn't ready to let him talk yet, "If you hadn't have told me that I was different, Doctor, had said that you were going to leave me behind eventually, I would have accepted that. I'd rather die than leave you, you know I would. But you didn't, you said that I could spend the rest of my life with you. You told me I was different and that you wouldn't do that to me. And I believed you. Silly, Rose. I mean, what's a promise between friends, right? Nothing, just like what I am to you, nothing."

He looked shaken.

"No, Rose. You're not... I didn't want you to..." Rose watched him as he struggled to form a reply. She knew that he understood now why she was so upset, knew that she had gotten through to him. But now all he needed to know was that she was okay with it. She was hurt, yes, but she also understood. He always needs something new and shiny to focus on, and now she was old news. It was fair enough, she'd had her time with him. It was time to let somebody else have a turn. She'd let him decide and back out slowly; no fuss, no tears, at least, not until she'd heard the sound of the universe disappear from her life forever. Or, if for some miracle he allows her to stay, she'll wait for him, forever and a day.

"But that's okay," she continued as if he hadn't spoken, "At least I know now. You love her and she loves you and I'll just wait for you. Wait up when you're with the Jabes, wait by the sidelines while you talk to the Lynda-with-a-Ys, wait while you catch up with all your Sarah-Janes, wait behind a fireplace while you kiss women you barely know, wait to be rescued while you dance with the French, wait on an empty ship while you take the slow path with beautiful, intelligent women who knows you more than I could ever. It's okay; I'm just glad that it's all cleared up. Wouldn't want me to go thinking that I mean more to you than that, would we?" That last bit slipped out unintentionally, but she kept a straight face and tried to ignore his flinch.

"I- I don't know what to say, Rose," he whispered, his eyes wide from her confession.

"Ha, that's a first."

"Do you really think that I don't value you?"

"Have you done anything to make me think any different?"

"Goddamn it, Rose!" he shouted, suddenly angry again, pushing up off the console and striding towards her. He came to a stop mere inches from her body and glared down at her, "I show you the stars everyday! I hold your hand and show you the universe. I've practically given you the world on a plate! What do you want from me? Hmm? Do you want to have a house and a marriage and children and birthdays and Christmases and a white picket fence? Do you want me never to save another because, God forbid, you have to fend for yourself for a moment?" He breathed heavily, hating himself for wishing that she would flinch or shy away from him, that she would realise that he wasn't human, that his emotions worked differently to hers. Instead, she just stared back at him, a defiant look on her face.

"Don't do that," she said, her eyes flashing with anger. She took a few steps back from him, trying to stop herself from slapping his cheek with enough force to do her mother proud.

"_What?_" he spat.

"Patronise me. I'm not a child, Doctor," Rose told him sternly. _It happened, Child. _Maybe he was more like Reinette than she thought.

"Then for God's sake stop acting like one!" She flinched. A second later, her anger was back with a vengeance.

"Oh, excuse me for being a _little_ upset that I was just left for dead by my supposed _best friend_!" She took a step toward him, her eyes flashing with hurt and anger and something akin to realisation. He wondered if perhaps she had finally realised that he wasn't the same as other men. "Do you want me to leave, Doctor, is that it? Is this meant to be some big hint? You won't leave me behind but you want me to leave? I'll go if you want me to. Just say the words, Doctor, just... just say them." Her voice broke at the end and she hung her head.

His eyes widened. No. No, no, no, no, _no_. His hearts screamed for him to take her in his arms and hold her until all doubt of how he feels about her left her mind, never to return. Instead, he listened to his brain. His brain was telling him to berate her for coming to such a conclusion. Unfortunately, all the conflicting emotions that were currently running through his body got the better of him and he ended up sounding angrier than he had intended.

"How could you think that?" He asked her, his voice raised in anger or confusion or pity or love or whatever other emotion that was filling his already too-full-brain. He stepped towards her, closing the distance between their bodies so that there was no more than a foot between them. "Have I ever given you reason to doubt me, Rose?" His voice was softer now and he raised a hand to her shoulder, dipping his head to look at her face. "Does 'I could save the world, but lose you' sound familiar?" Rose stepped away from him, shrugging out of his grasp. He would have preferred for her to slap him.

"That was _him. He_ said that, not you," she whispered, turning around to stroke her hand along the console. She felt a little better knowing that he didn't want her to leave, but she was still hurt and scared, scared that she was so disposable to him.

"Rose, there is no _him_, there's just me."

"He wouldn't want to be you," she replied, her eyes flashing with anger as she span around to meet his gaze. He was startled by the accusation in her usually warm eyes.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked, indignant.

"It means that he wouldn't do the things you've done. He would have noticed that I was possessed after a few minutes, not hours. And, okay, he didn't tell me about Sarah-Jane, but he wouldn't have flaunted the fact that I wasn't as special as I had thought. He wouldn't have left me alone on a spaceship 3000 years in the future with dumb-luck as his only chance of returning!" Rose breathed heavily after her outburst. She hadn't meant to say all that, let alone scream it, but, now that she had, she couldn't stop. _I guess, maybe, I am more than a little bit jealous, _she supposed. "'I could save the world, but lose you'? Try 'I could save Rose, but lose _her_'!"

"You think I chose Reinette over you?"

"Well, who could blame you? She was important, and accomplished, and beautiful – much better than your average shop girl," Rose shrugged as she broke eye contact with him and stared at the time rotor. Her voice was quiet when she spoke next, and the Doctor's hearts broke as he realised that she really meant it, she truly thought she was less than Reinette. Oh, he really had made a balls of this one. "It's a wonder you didn't dump me back on Earth straight away."

"Rose, I'd never- It wasn't -" He didn't know what to say. He needed time to get his head in order, to mull over everything that had been said, to get his emotions back in check before he said something he'd regret. "Why are we even having this argument anyway? It's in the past. She's gone; I'm sorry; can't we just forgive and forget?"

"Until you do it again, you mean?" she asked, looking back at him.

"I won't do it again."

"Tell me why I should believe you, Doctor," she looked back down at her hands as she toyed with the controls, "Tell me why I should believe that you won't drop me as soon as something better comes along."

"I've asked you to come with me three times, Rose Tyler," He reminded her. His eyes were fixed on her hands. She shouldn't be twisting and pressing the controls, but he couldn't find it in himself to stop her.

"You've sent me away more times than you've asked me to come with you; maybe it's about time I took the hint," She said, her hands picked up their pace. Punching and twisting levers without pause. The Doctor's hearts were hammering, he needed to stop her.

He made his was over to her and laid a hand atop hers. Her hands stilled immediately and he could feel them shake beneath his.

"I don't want you to leave, Rose," he whispered.

"But then why do you keep pushing me away?"

"I don't," he replied, his eyes not quite meeting hers. He pulled her hands away from his console and led her to the Captain's chair. She sat down without question, silent for the first time. She watched him as he undid all of the turns she had made to the controls.

He knew he was lying to her, but sometimes a lie is better than the truth. He was lying to protect her. Those words weren't enough anyway.

"You're doing it again," she whispered eventually.

"Doing _what, _Rose?" He turned around, leaning back against the console. They were back where they started but there was no going back from here.

"Sending me away like a good little Rose. How do you see me, Doctor?" She asked, her voice was shaking with what he hoped to every God in the galaxy weren't tears. Not for him. Please, not for him.

"You're my best friend," he said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "You're..." he trailed off, not sure what was meant to follow. Love. Life. _Everything._

"I'm what, Doctor?" she whispered, standing up and bringing herself to stand before him. He looked down at her and his eyes were _tired._ For a second she thought she saw her answer but then it was gone, replaced by that distant look she knew all-too-well.

"It doesn't matter."

"You see?" Rose exclaimed, stepping back away from him, "There you go again! Pushing me away! Why do you keep doing it, Doctor? Am I not good enough for you, is that it?" Rose hated herself for needing his reassurance.

"No, that's not it. That'd never be it," He said.

"Then what is it?" Rose shouted. She was tired of guessing.

"It's because I love you!" He shouted back.

They both stopped breathing, two sets of eyes widened in shock. Rose's mouth fell open and she snapped it shut.

"What?" she breathed, scared that he'd try and push her even further away but equally elated that he felt it, too.

"Nothing, it doesn't matter," he said hurriedly, turning his back on her and practically running to the other side of the console. He pressed buttons that he had long forgotten the use for. He glanced up and saw her shocked face; the fear of rejection in her eyes broke his hearts a little bit more. If he wasn't careful he'd lose her, too. Maybe he'd already lost her. Maybe it was too late to fix this. Fix them. _IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou,Ido. _He looked back at the controls, racking his brain for some way to make everything alright again._ "_Where's Mickey got to, eh?"

"Doctor..." He felt her hand on his arm, this time it was her stopping him from the controls. He had a feeling he was trying to control them because he can't control this, whatever _this_ was.

"Rose, just leave it, yeah?" He said, meeting her eyes and smiling softly. "I'm sorry I left you, so sorry. I _promise_ you that I won't do it again and, if I do, which I won't, it will _never_ be because I don't need you anymore or because I've found something better. There _is_ nothing better, or anything I don't need as much as I need you, with me, holding my hand, forever."

He couldn't believe he just said that to her. It was true, every word, but she was never meant to know. Now that his biggest secret was out, it seemed he couldn't stop. He looked away from her, once again moving around the console.

"Doctor,"

"Hmm?"

"Look at me, please." He did. She was crying.

"Rose..." He never wanted her to cry.

Her hand reached up and she cradled his cheek, it was all he could do not to lean into it.

"I love you, too," she whispered. He closed his eyes so that she couldn't see the elation in them. They couldn't be together. It couldn't happen.

"I know."

The next thing he was aware of was the brush of her lips against his. His eyes flew open and he pushed her away.

"No, Rose, we can't," he said, his words laced with regret.

"Did you love her?" She asked. He could feel the hurt of his rejection emanating off her body. It broke his hearts because he wanted nothing more that to kiss her again and again to make it go away. But he couldn't... _well,_ he shouldn't.

"No," he told her.

"Then how come you could with her?" He didn't look up. "Doctor, how come you could with her?"

"Because losing her could never hurt as much as losing you will." His voice broke a little as he confessed his final secret to her, the truth that had made all the other secrets and lies worth it.

"You're not going to lose me. Until you tell me to leave, I'm here," she whispered and he looked up at her, finally.

"I'm not going to tell you to leave," he told her, his words practically dripping with sincerity.

"Well, then, problem solved, yeah?"

"No, the problem remains very much unsolved." He shook his head in frustration.

"Doctor, I'm going to ask you something, and whatever you say will be it. I won't mention it again and we can just... move on, okay?"

"Okay,"

"Will losing me now hurt less than losing me knowing everything that could have been?" Rose asked, placing a hand on his cheek.

"No," he replied, shaking his head softly so as not dislodge her palm from his cheek.

"Then why?"

"You said you wouldn't mention it again," he said with a small smile.

Rose watched his lip quirk up into a smile and very nearly smiled back. But he wasn't off the hook just yet.

"Yeah, well, I'm not the only one breaking promises today, Doctor," she reminded him – as if he could forget, "Besides, you know what they say, don't throw stones when you live in a glass house."

"The TARDIS is wooden," he said, weakly, knowing full-well that Rose was right.

"Doctor, stop it," she scolded. They were not going off topic again. She was going to get an answer out of him if it was the last thing she did. He could send her away if he wanted but at least she'll know. "Tell me, if losing me now is going to hurt just as much as losing me then, why can't you just stop holding back when you know it's hurting us both?"

"I- I don't know," he whispered. He had never questioned his own motives before. But she was making him and that was frightening.

"That's not an answer," she said, huffing out a breath through her nose in annoyance.

Suddenly, all his stupid reasons seemed tiny and useless. Especially compared to the amount of love he felt for her right then, fighting for what she wanted.

_His_ Rose Tyler.

Suddenly, without seeming to come to a conscious decision about it, he was kissing her. And she was kissing him back. And it was _fantastic._

"How about that, is that your answer?" He asked, pulling back after a few seconds.

"No," she replied, stepping closer to him and raising herself up on tip-toes so that her lips her brushing his as she whispered, "But it'll do."

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><p><strong>Review, go on, you know you want to. Or at least, you know I want you to. <strong>

**-Katie x**


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